So I had the day off, save a doctor's appointment at 12:15 PM. Normally I'd try to be about 10 minutes early, but as luck would have it, my office clock has yet to be adjusted for DST (thank you, Mr. Franklin, for your oh-so-wonderful idea!). Needless to say, I had an hour to kill, and nothing to do. Now Bozeman, Montana is a pretty cool place, but not at 11 in the morning. Lacking anything better to do, I headed to Borders.
The great thing about big book store chains is they carry some of the most random nonsense you can think of--wasting an hour in one is like spending the day at a firecracker factory. I browsed the science fiction section (they made books based on "Halo?" Yeech!), and then the political science section before my feet took me to the "religion" section (I think the fact that politics and religion are neighbors in the book store is the most delicious of ironies--they both defy the human mind, after all). My eyes were quickly caught by two books on prominent display, both on the 'arts' of magic.
The first one I paged through was sort of a 'witch's primer,' teaching you everything you need to know to go from your basic cantrips (like cursing crops and bewitching lovers) to the intricacies of formulating your own potent hokus-pokus. Most of it was just plain boring; I wanted something I could pick up, glance through, and shoot fire balls from my fingertips in like thirty minutes, not a dissertation on pentacle facings and star charts. Bleh.
Of particular interest, however, was a section entitled "Why didn't my spell work?" In this two page 'explanation' of why spells don't work, the author gave several possibly reasons:
1) The timing of the spell might not yet have come. Obviously! I cast a 'wealth with +2 to dexterity' on myself, but I didn't train the 'instant casting' feat (which I don't get until 12th level )! I should probably just wait around for my wealth and prowess! But wait:
2) You did not proactively pursue the results of your spell. See, magic doesn't just 'magically' grant you the results you desire, that'd just be silly! You need to then go and make them happen! If I want my wealth and agility, I'd better start daytrading and pumping up at the gym! And if that doesn't work, there's always . . .
3) Your inner god/goddess knew it was not in your best interests. Damn my aura of poverty and sloth! I drew the friggin pentagram, I uttered the friggin incantation, and I did the legwork! Why the hell did 'SIT rectal cleansers' stock do so poorly?! Screw you, inner god/goddess!
So lets say I wanted to shoot fireballs out of my fingertips (magic missile is a level 0 spell, so even an idiot like me should be able to master it). First I'd have to spend $30 on the book. Next, I'd need to draw charts and diagrams of the stars and stuff so I could properly cast the spell. Then I'd need to do some stuff (I didn't really read the book, so I can only assume this includes sacrificing cats, drinking blood and crushing up herbs). And for all my efforts, nothing would happen because my 'inner god' doesn't think it's such a good idea for me to be shooting fireballs out of my fingers. In other words, nothing would happen--I'd be better off taking my $30 and buying a zippo, since that'd actually work (and I could get my money back if it didn't).
The other book was even funnier. It was an omnibus of magical spells--5000 of em! The thing looked like a garden variety cook book, and I knew at first glance that it would be amusing. I flipped it open to the middle, and came across a spell for contraception. It said you need to go to a grain mill at midnight (where the hell am I going to find a grain mill?) and turn it backwards 4 times.
Who came up with this nonsense? Some 14th century medieval dunce? Condoms have existed for centuries; why would I go harass the owner of the local mill when I could just slap on a sheepskin? Better yet, why would this be in a book on the shelf of a bookstore in the year 2005? Between condoms, IUDs, the pill, hormone patches, and the morning-after pill, there's no need to invoke the dark arts to prevent conception--save your soul for something more worthwhile, like selling to the devil in exchange for being a rock star or something.
So to all you witches and warlocks out there, happy halloween! Go ahead and cast your poxes on me all you want; I have perfect faith that your inner gods and goddesses know that it isn't for the best and won't let you do it. Meanwhile, if one of you freaks gets close to me I'll just use use my revolver as a 'counterspell' that isn't governed by a divinity. Science wins the day!
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